My friend Lindsay and I found ourselves bustling around our small suburb, attempting to push our way into a brunch spot on a late Sunday morning. We lost out to the church crowds that inevitably tumble into these joints. So, we found ourselves over chips and salsa at Verde, ordering heavier lunch foods and talking even heavier subjects.

1. Reiki/Chakra
2. Spiritual Deconstruction
3. Careers
4. Mediums
5. Men
6. Alignment with self

No subject was left untouched, and as much female conversations go – a lot of stumbling over one another out of excitement and relatability.

One thing we dove into was my birthday chakra session. The thing I gifted to myself as a way to move into a new year with myself, hoping to feel more aligned within. This took place back in March and I have not done a good job downloading with myself post-session. While chakra reading is a very quiet process, I left the room feeling heavy. Much like after a counseling session. For those who are curious, I’ll walk through what this looks like, specific to the gal I saw.

I found myself in a tiny room in an office park. Just one door separated myself and the hallway to the parking lot. We first talked through what I hoped for and she walked me through the sheet she would fill out as she read my seven Chakras.

I laid face up on the table and closed my eyes. She held my head for about 15-20 minutes and then would move to the other parts of my body associated with chakras. After an hour, she concluded she was done and wanted to chat with her findings that were reflected on the piece of paper she showed me at the beginning. All seemed “normal” except my heart chakra. She said she saw it closed and encouraged some work around that — sitting and being curious with myself, listening to specific music to help open it, or yoga to name a few.

It seems my heart is closed, friends.

I think somewhere deep within me, I have known this. It’s not that this happened suddenly; no, this is a lifelong question I only began to be curious with myself about in more recent years. A balanced or open heart chakra allows for deep connections, love, compassion. I told Lindsay over our tacos and enchiladas that it feels like I have one light switch in an off position inside of me. I often feel like I am not expressing myself in the fullness of who I am – in love, kindness, forwardness.

Talking this out yesterday, words like “allowance for safety” and “calm” felt fitting. How long have I felt unsafe? Or not a sense of calm? Is this why I burst out crying when I say the loving-kindness meditation over myself? Speaking of crying, why is that so hard for me to do? Am I scared of the fullness of me?

I am writing to you as a way of processing. I think there is something deep within me that has been wanting/hoping to burst forth. One thing I have learned over these 37 years (paired with 12+ years of counseling), is that much of life is just projection. What we typically don’t like in others, we can find in ourselves. Often buried beneath the weeds, it is there. Whatever remains unresolved or undiscovered in me, I cannot help but believe it has to do with love and kindness toward myself. Like some untouched vastness. A field of blooms. Or maybe seeds … for now.

I feel a bit torn open even just writing this out. I hope to be gentle with myself and open with you as I set out on this little pilgrimage.

Love to you.

Loving-Kindness Meditation

To yourself/A loved one/A difficult one to love

May I be happy and peaceful
May I be safe and protected
May I be healthy and strong
May I live with joy, ease, and well-being