wondering.

>As written in my last post, I am in the process of plucking the thorns from body as I recover from an ever-wonderful breakup. While plucking, I have realized the value of being single and I am absorbing the solidity that it brings. I am not by any means saying that it is not hard, because it certainly is, but I have a will that has grown within me to keep me going.

I am thinking one would ask “Why would it be hard to be single?” and I would regard this as a very legitimate question. While this is embarrassing and pathetic to admit, my answer to the question is: I do not know the last time I was without a boyfriend. There. I said it. It is strange to comprehend, sad to admit, yet, funny to realize.

It is strange that I have never really understood how dependent I was on another human being for my pull to happiness. I suppose the sadness derives from my lack of dependence on God, and all of the time I have wasted in between. Then there is the funny realization. I can find humor in it now, because God still was unrelenting in every relationship. I would ask God if this is not to be, then tear it down – and He would. Nonetheless, without thought, I would continue with my way. It was as if God was acting as the bulldozer to my “relationship life” and after the mess was cleaned up, I would carry on without sending Him a thank you card. How rude of me.

Now, here I am. God has decided to do a bit of bulldozing again, and this time, I will wait. I will be patient. I will listen. I will be more willing and open to who, and more importantly, what He wants for my life. With all of this said, I will blatantly admit that I have tried to go my own way regarding my emotions, but even that did not work out. I literally had to give everything to God, and I mean everything. Once I did just that, I knew there could not possibly be a greater feeling of freedom.

I’ll end by saying solidity rhymes with validity. Solidity is what I rest in and God’s validity in helping me rely solely on Him is what keeps me going. I cannot wait until I can say the statement, “I do not know the last time I have had a boyfriend.” and mean this.

One more thing. I would love to thank my two new followers: Julia and Crescendo! You two are lovely. Thank you!