Previously posted on TinyLetter
Wild things,
The other morning, I found myself crying while watching Moana. Being a favorite of Declan’s, it’s a movie that I’ve seen far too many times to count. Yet, there I found myself quietly weeping as Moana parted the sea and walked toward the scary, big, bad fiery creature. I cried as Moana walked in tenderness toward the fire, holding the one thing she knew would bring healing to the land and to this fiery, angry being – the “heart of te fiti.” I don’t know who I identified with, really: the fire or Moana. I could easily point to all the scenes from movies that bring up these same feelings. Feelings that speak to the holiest parts of ourselves; like the untouched places of our souls. The kind of tenderness that has no walls or agenda, only a feeling of mutual connectedness to our fragile humanity. A place where Love tangibly exists.
I’ve struggled with how to even begin this next letter, knowing that most, if not all of you, are aware that I just took on the very public role of calling into question a place that once meant a great deal to me – Soul City Church. It was neither easy nor fun, but something inside of me broke. For years, I held onto so many bits of knowledge, having peeked behind the curtain, and it was only a matter of time before the dam broke. I said what I said and did what I did, and released when I felt it was done. Following the release, time with my therapist helped me to acknowledge a downhill feeling – the speed at which I was going felt unstoppable without help. I was anxious and I could feel a depression set in.
As someone already on medication for depression, I was more or less hoping that would be enough. Instead, it was a few things that brought back some internal calm: medication, talk therapy, honesty with my husband, presence with my little dude, time with friends who had no idea about my social media life, a giggle-full chat with a friend in Brooklyn, and another in Orlando, and a timely podcast with Parker Palmer and Andrew Solomon on depression. Oh, and Moana. Sometimes, it is the mixed bag of goodies that fuels the next hour or so to feel a little warmth. Kind of like a pocket of sunshine at just the right time.
Something Palmer said has stuck with me, specifically with regards to what unfolded with Soul City:
“I understand that to move close to God is to move close to everything that human beings have ever experienced. And that, of course, includes a lot of suffering, as well as a lot of joy.”
I sat with this and knew the messages I was receiving during those few weeks, the things I was posting, the friends I was communicating with … all of it centered around moving closer and deeper to the darkness that needed light. And, thankfully, I knew the Spirit was with me. This isn’t to say that I was right or wrong in doing this, it just means I knew it was time to speak. I burned bridges for the sake of my soul. I do not believe that it is completely over either, and yet, I do not believe I have to necessarily carry that torch. I trust the Spirit, that tangible place of Love, to do what it needs to do.
When that scene ends with Moana restoring the heart, the fiery creature is transformed and Earth is brought back to life. Trees grow, flowers bloom, grass becomes lush, and the creature is restored to rest again. That’s how I want to picture disruption. Even though there is fire and pain, question and doubt, what can come of it is restoration and life. Sometimes it is a “yes” and a “no” for clarity from a Church, transparency on finances, or even an acknowledgment of the pain. Ultimately, I am a hopeful believer in the Goodness in us, even if it sits untapped.
Recommendations:
1. On Being – The Soul in Depression: I cannot recommend this more. It is stunning to hear from those who’ve been in the depths of depression and to hear how they describe it. I found it so healing.
- Jezebel – The Undeniable Legacy of Anti-Asian Violence: After reading about the horrific, targeted murder of eight Asian men and women, I knew what to expect – the white supremacist would be safely apprehended by cops and the media would shine some kind of victimhood light on him. It’s this shit that keeps me up at night.
- Eugene Peterson Forthcoming Biography Backs up “Yes” on LGBTQ Inclusion. Need I say more!? So grateful a girlfriend shared this with me!
Namaste and Warmer Weather, plz
xo bre
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